Heal or Hurt

Hello Friends!

It has been a couple of weeks since I've last posted. I'm glad to be back and sharing with you again. Over the last few weeks I have watched with great interest how our human race responds to conflict situations. Conflict is all around us and it takes many forms. Conflict manifests itself in curtly spoken words to a spouse, child, or co-worker. It manifests itself in gossip and slander. It manifests itself in screaming matches or accusations in front of a tv camera. It manifests itself in protests, picket lines, and walking out on the job. The worst manifestation of conflict comes when words and actions incite violence against our fellow human beings. Other forms of conflict are more subtle as they exists within our own thoughts and emotions. We struggle spiritually with the issues that bombard us in life. We struggle emotionally to hold it all together - or at least find a healthy way to express our raw emotions. We struggle mentally - trying to make sense of senseless situations. While most people hate conflict, it is something we live with every single day.

If we are to handle conflict in our lives as the world has modeled it for us, we will quickly find ourselves caught up in the powerful currents of anger, hatred, and the demonization of those who disagree with us. With all of the images and reports on the television screen and in the newspaper (and we tend to choose the newspapers and television stations that usually support our position and perspective), it is easy for us to get swept away by the raw emotions and dangerous reactivity of the issues in front of us.

Within our personal lives it is just as easy. When we disagree with someone or a decision that has been made that affects us, we seek out those that agree with our position and before we know it, we have an army of people on our side. The more we have on our side, the more emboldened we are to confront the person or issue with which we disagree.

For any of us who have experienced conflict in these ways, when we are honest with ourselves, we know that this approach to resolving conflict often has painful and destructive consequences. People get hurt. Relationships are broken and destroyed. Our souls are darkened with anger, bitterness, and shattered spirits.

When are we going to learn that there is a better way to handle the conflicts that plague us? When are we going to be willing to walk in the way that leads to healing instead of hurt? How many more times must we experience the pain and anguish of going against each other, before we submit to the way of walking together?

The Bible is very clear on how we are to handle our conflicts. We are to first look at ourselves and acknowledge what we bring to the conflict (Matthew 7:3-5). We are to look at each other with eyes of love and grace (Hebrews 10:24). When we have a disagreement we are to bring it to one another and sit down at the table and talk about it together (Matthew 5:23-25, Matthew 18:15-17). In the midst of the conflict make sure you speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Most problems and conflicts we face become worse because we do not invest our time in bringing reconciliation and healing. Instead we focus our time on things that make the conflict worse.

John Maxwell lists 12 ways to constructively manage conflict and 12 ways to destructively manage conflict. I'd like to share them with you...with the constructive management style first and the destructive style after: 1. Agree on a time and place to talk it out or Catch the other person off guard. 2. Assertively, honestly express your feelings or Passively suppress your feelings. 3. Focus on the problem, not the person or Personalize the disagreement. 4. Select a neutral referee or Get your friends to referee. 5. Develop a positive, mature attitude or Be negative and vindictive. 6. Search for a solution or Find someone to blame. 7. Focus on specifics or Generalize and exaggerate. 8. Be open and available or Be silent and superior. 9. Affirm your responsibility or Blame someone else. 10. When problems arise, work them out or When problems arise, walk out. 11. Listen, wait and learn or Presume, assume and dominate. 12. Forgive and forget or Stubbornly demand guarantees.

One way leads to healing, the other to hurt. Which approach do you believe God desires of you?

Loving, reconciling, God. I have handled myself poorly in the midst of conflict. I have fought for my right to be heard. I have unfairly labeled and condemned those I am supposed to love. I have fought for my way, instead of Your way. Forgive me. Create in me a heart that values love over hate; mercy over bitterness; gentleness over power; Your way over mine. Give me strength in the midst of the conflicts around me and the opportunities to be an instrument of Your healing and Your grace. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.